Ways to
be Annoying...
• Sing the Batman theme
incessantly.
• In the memo field of all your checks,
write “for sensual massage.”
• Name your dog “Dog.”
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair
dryer at passing cars to see if they slow
down.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic
cones and reroute whole streets.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty
miles.
• Invite lots of people to other
people's parties.
• Staple papers in the middle of the
page.
• Do not add any inflection to the end
of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.
• Make beeping noises when a large
person backs up.
• Specify that your drive-through order
is “to go.”
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it
occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
• Claim that you must always wear a
bicycle helmet as part of your
“astronaut training.”
• Sing along at the opera.
• Make appointments for the 31st of
September.
• At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
• Lie obviously about trivial things
such as the time of day.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a
question.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Order a side of pork rinds with your
filet mignon.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's
Orange.
• Finish all your sentences with the
words “in accordance with prophesy.”
• Follow a few paces behind someone,
spraying everything they touch with a can
of Lysol.
• Highlight irrelevant information in
scientific papers and “cc:” them to
your co-workers.
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce
200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
• Go to a poetry recital and complain
loudly that the poems don’t rhyme.
• Select the same song on the jukebox
fifty times.
• Amuse yourself for endless hours by
hooking a camcorder to your TV and then
pointing it at the screen.
• Speak only in a “robot” voice.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together
tightly.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup
packets.
• Forget the punch line to a long joke,
but assure the listener it was a “real
hoot.”
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in
conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of
ignorance.
• Signal that conversations are over by
clamping your hands over your ears.
• Holler random numbers while someone is
counting.
• Tape pieces of “Sweating to the
Oldies” over climactic parts of rental
movies.
• As much as possible, skip rather than
walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder,
mumbling, as they read.
• While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
• Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith”
for the great glory of being first in the
phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name,
and demand that people pronounce each
“a.”
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm
speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your “superior
mental processing.”
• Stare at static on the TV and claim
you can see a “magic picture.”
• Construct elaborate “crop circles”
in your front lawn.
A Cornhusker was driving down an old
country road when he spots another
Cornhusker in a corn field rowing a boat.
He pulls over to the side of the road and
stops the car. Staring in disbelief he
stands at the side of the road to watch
the man for a while. When he could not
stand it any more he called out to the
Cornhusker in the field.
“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle
of the field?”
The Cornhusker in the field stops rowing
and responds, “Because it is an ocean of
corn.”
The Husker standing on the side of the
road is furious. He yells at the man in
the field, “It’s people like you that
give the Big Red a reputation for being
stupid.”
The Cornhusker in the field just shrugged
his shoulders and began rowing again.
The Husker on the side of the road was
beside himself, shook his fist at the man
in the field, then yelled, “If I could
swim, I’d come out there and punch you
out!”
If you are going to try cross-country
skiing, start with a small country.
The advantage of exercising every day is
that you die healthier.
My body is a temple, with ample parking in
the rear!
Why don't psychics predict the winning
lottery numbers and retire?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread!
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in
the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As
Jimmy's getting undressed he says to
himself, “How am I going to tell her?
How am I going to tell my new wife that I
have the world's smelliest feet?”
Then he throws his socks under the bed.
Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too
chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her
and he goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says
to herself, How am I going to tell him?
How am I going to tell my new husband that
I have the world's worst breath? I've got
to tell him.”
Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.
Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet
kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I've
got to tell you something.”
Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate
my socks.”
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists
arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says,
“This is the spot where the barons
forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”
A man pushing his way to the front of the
crowd asks, “When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says,
“Shooot! Just missed it by a half
hour!”
Things You’d Be
Surprised To Hear Yoda Say...
• What expect you from
someone 900 years old? English perfect???
• I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he.
Hangs upside down in ice caves.
• Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both
a light side and a dark side it has. Binds
the universe together it does!
• No...there is another. Let's hope as
stupid, she is not.
• Never underestimate the powers of the
dark side. Or that James Carville guy.
• Yeah yeah. Force this!
• Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark
Side they are!
• Size matters not... hey, laughing at
what are you?
Why is there an expiration date
on sour cream?
Why are there Braille dots on a
drive-through ATM keypad?
A priest and a pastor from the local
parishes are standing by the side of
the road holding up a sign that reads,
‘The End is Near! Turn yourself around
now before it's too late!’
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!”
yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard
screeching tires and a big crash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the
other, “we should just put up a sign
that says, ‘BRIDGE OUT' instead?”
A young man gives his blonde wife a
mobile phone for their anniversary.
The next day the wife goes shopping. Her
phone rings and it's her husband.
“Hi Hun,” he says, “how do you like
your new phone?”
She replies, “I just love it, it's so
small and your voice is clear as a bell
but there's one thing I don't
understand.”
“What's that, Hun?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”
The Pirate Captain had his first mate
up in the crow's nest, ready to tell him
how many cannons enemy ships had. “Three
cannons!” Was yelled down.
The Captain turned to a crewmember.
“Fetch me my red shirt!” He ordered.
Later, the crewmember asks him why he
wanted his red shirt. “That way if I'm
wounded, the blood will be the same color
as the shirt and no one will notice it.”
The first mate yells down that he's
spotted another ship a few days later.
“Twelve cannons!” He cries.
The Captain turns to the crewmember again.
“Bring me my brown pants!”
A Few Groaners...
• My doctor recently told me that
jogging could add years to my life. I
think he was right. I feel ten years older
already.
• Q: What do you give a lemon when
it’s hurt?
A: Lemonade.
• Parachute for sale. No strings
attached.
• A bachelor is a man who believes in
life, liberty, and the happiness of
pursuit.
• The sign on the escalator door read,
“This escalator is out of whack.” By
the next day someone used a crayon to add
“More whack is on order.”
• Q: What kind of horses do ghosts ride?
A: Nightmares
• Q: What 2 words contain hundreds of
letters?
A: Post Office